Dog Humour
A page dedicated to the amusing aspects of our canine companions
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? We ask the dogs themselves to change it.
Golden Retriever: “The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?”
Border Collie: “Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.”
Dachshund: “You know I can't reach that stupid light!”
Pit Bull Terrier: “Make me.”
Boxer: “Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.”
Labrador: “Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeease, please, please, please!”
German Shepherd: “I'll change it as soon as I've lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.”
Jack Russell Terrier: “I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.”
Old English Sheep Dog: “Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!”
Cocker Spaniel: “Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.”
Chihuahua : “Yo quiero Taco Bulb.” Or “We don't need no stinking light bulb.”
Greyhound: “It isn't moving. Who cares?”
Australian Shepherd: “First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: “I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.”
Maltese Terrier: “Not me, I’ll just run around in circles and bark.”
Famous quotes about dogs top of page
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
- Sigmund Freud
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
- Roger Caras
- Robert A. Heinlein
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
- Will Rogers
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you That is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
- Ann Landers
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul – chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler
Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like, never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.
- Unknown
HOW DOGS CAME TO BE: top of page
Where do pets come from? A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't care one way or the other.
Best Friends top of page
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white, stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sun light. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. "The man gestured, and the gate began to open." Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? No. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you cranky for them to use your name like that?" "No, we're just happy that they screen out the people who would leave their best friends behind."
